Asuka's a Slut
by Der Blaue Wolf
Summary: Crack, but it contains the one gospel truth of NGE: that Asuka is, in fact, a slut.


Asuka's a Slut

Shinji Ikari opened the door to Misato's flat, and was immediately assailed by loud noises of passion, okay sex, from the living room. He walked through, and saw Asuka in the middle of having sex with three random guys, who Shinji was sure she had just pulled off the street.

Shinji sighed, "Asuka, again?"

Asuka lifted her mouth of one of the guys' *ahem*s and said, "Well I needed some fun."

Shinji sighed, used to Asuka's sluttish behaviour, but still disapproving, "You sure none of them have STDs?"

Asuka looked thoughtful for a moment then shrugged, "Do you guys?"

"Nope," two of them said. The third shrugged, "Not sure, I'm still waiting for the test result."

Shinji shuddered, "Asuka, you are going for a check-up before we do it again. Understood?"

Asuka sighed, "Yeah sure."

Suddenly, the door was kicked down, "HOLD EVERYTHING!"

Asuka, the slut, took the command literally, and held on to two of the guys'...

"STOP THAT WOLFIE!" the voice said again. "I won't allow you to defile Asuka any further!"

"Who the hell are you?" Shinji asked the figure.

"Ah, sorry, I forgot the introduction. I am the man behind the mist, the man who exist to prevent Wolfie from going crazy with his ideas. I am MISTY!"

Shinji raised an eyebrow, "Who?"

Misty sighed, "Think of me as God's restraining system."

"O~kay..." Shinji replied.

"Anyway," Misty continued, "I am here to prevent the writer of this fic from going overboard with the random sex involving Asuka."

"But I enjoy it," Asuka said, proving she was a slut, as the three guys, having got bored, decided to go to it again.

"Wolfie! Stop putting these words in their mouths!" Misty shouted loudly at nobody in particular.

_Oh, you wanna stop me Misty? Well I've had enough of you turning up in my stories and ruining my plans. So, it's time for you to make a choice: a) you join in that foursome over there like a good boy, or b) I send Rei after you._

Misty paled, "No! Not Rei! Not the girl with so little character, just by existing in the same room as her, your own personality is drained away!"

_Yes, that Rei Misty. So your choice..._

Misty immediately went over to the four on the sofa, "Mind if I join?"

"The more the merrier!" the slut that is Asuka proclaimed...

* * *

Shinji was by this point in the kitchen cooking dinner. The noises in the living room had subsided by now, and he was able to cook in relative peace.

"Peace and quiet at last..." Shinji sighed with relief. But he should have known: first rule of being an anime character: never EVER, say something like 'peace and quiet at last.'

At that moment, the roof was torn off. Yeah, convenient timing right? The rip in the roof revealed eva unit 00, about to destroy the apartment block. Shinji was terrified, first because they were originally on the 5th floor of 12, second because a massive fucking not-really-robot had just torn the roof off.

As a direct result of this, Shinji shit himself where he stood. Then he noticed that rubble had fallen in the food he was cooking. To say that mildly annoyed him would be a major understatement... "YOU BITCH REI! YOU JUST DESTROYED MY MEAL!"

The robot just silently raised a fist to strike Shinji down, and Shinji wished he hadn't just shouted insults at the robot.

The eva's fist came down towards him, and Shinji was 98% sure he was doomed.

'SWIPE'

Shinji stood stock still, as he watched a human-sized figure who had somehow got between him and the eva, and cut of the monstrosity's arm. When Shinji examined the figure more closely, he realised the 'man' was actually sporting wings.

"It couldn't be..." Shinji's face brightened in hope, "Kaworu?"

The figure turned and replied, "Nope. I am The Writer." Shinji raised an eyebrow at the teen standing there with wings, and a katana that would shame Sephiroth. "I'm here to kick ass and sleep with green haired chicks, and I'm all out of chicks."

Unit 00 looked for a moment at it's severed arm, before shrugging and regenerating the arm.

"WHAT THE FUCK? IT CAN REGENERATE NOW?" Shinji screamed, pissing himself with fear.

"Hang on," The Writer pulled out a phone, "Shana dear... yeah, did you just add the bit about the eva regenerating? Look, could you just not do it again... No this has nothing to do with Miku-chan... or Shi-chan or Mi-chan... look, I love you all equally... Shana please."

Shinji stared at him as the eva drew back its fist to strike again. "Now isn't the time for a family dispute!"

The eva swung its fist again, and The Writer swung his sword again, cutting the arm in two. "Okay Shana, I'll take you out this evening, and I'll get you all the ice cream you want... okay, see you later darling." He hung up. "Now, back to the ass kicking..." he jumped into the air and flew towards. The eva raised its AT field, but The Writer passed straight through it.

"How does that work?" Shinji asked nonplussed.

"I have an AW field: 'Awesomeness of Writer' field." The Writer then cut the eva in two cleanly.

Shinji wept as he saw the creature fall, "There goes my secondary love interest... again..."

"Don't worry, remember there are plenty of copies of her... What was that noise?" The tow men turned to see another 50 copies of eva 00 appear from what seemed like nowhere. "As I was saying, plenty of them."

"Why the fuck is she attacking us?" Shinji asked.

"Don't know, don't care. That surfice?" The Write replied.

"As long as you can kill it. By the way, you still haven't introduced yourself."

The Writer turned back to Shinji. "I am... Wolfie-sama."

As he said that, there was a loud crash from the next room, and the sound of a man scrambling to the door was heard. The door then burst open. "WOLFIE! Damn you, you're here at last."

Wolfie sighed, "Misty, put some trousers on."

Mist looked down, and realised he was... or rather was _not..._

_Two Minutes Later_

"So... there are about 50 eva 00s about to attack us?" a now trousered Misty asked.

"Just look out the fecking window the first one just built for us!" Wolfie said.

"Why haven't they attacked us yet?" Shinji asked.

"Narrative convenience," Misty and Wolfie said simultaneously.

"Eh?" Shinji asked.

"After traversing many stories, we've just got used to it. Don't worry about it," Misty explained.

"Anyway, this should be easy, all I've got to do is a limit break," Wolfie said.

"Careful with the final fantasy references, you don't want to make this a crossover fic," Misty warned.

"Don't worry, to make my spells more powerful, I do more interesting stuff than stick 'ra' on the end. Also, while I do have a massive sword, it's not to make up for anything."

Shinji looked between the two, "You know, do you just use this crack as an excuse to make yourself look as awesome as possible Wolfie."

"I don't need to try." Wolfie then turned towards the evas. "To quote: 'This'll be cake.'"

Wolfie jumped in the air and his over-sized wings spread, giving Shinji flashbacks to third impact. Wolfie then hovered in mid-air, and shouted down, "MISTY! Which game system's moves should I rip off for self-entertainment?"

"I dunno... pokemon?" Misty said.

"Okay!" Wolfie said.

"I was joking..." Misty said, sighing.

Wolfie flew towards the eva.

_A wild Eva Unit 00 appears. Wolfie uses kick-ass. One hit KO. Wolfie gains 5000 Exp._

_A wild Eva Unit 00 appears. Wolfie uses bitch-slap. It's super effective. Eva Unit 00 is knocked out. Wolfie gains 5000 Exp._

Misty sighed. "Two down, 48 to go. Can't you hurry it up?"

Wolfie was by this point equally bored. "Okay, let's finish this off by doing the usual. Using one move so overpowered it breaks its game system. SHINING BIND!"

The evas all died in an all-consuming blast of light, and Wolfie landed in the kitchen again.

"Finished showing off?" Misty asked.

"Perhaps." Wolfie then turned to Shinji, "Sorry for hijacking your continuity like that. But hey, it was fun. Now to sort out that roof..." Wolfie held out his hands, and an ethereal keyboard appeared. He pressed the backspace and the area around them mysteriously reformed. "Okay, now, to add this... this... and... that!"

Asuka burst through the door, "Shinji, there're five men at the door who want to fuck me. What should I do?"

Shinji sighed, "You know what you're going to do, whatever I say. Go on, go sleep with them."

"Thank you!" She ran out jumping for joy.

Wolfie leaned over to Shinji, "Don't worry, I've written out any STDs they may have had."

"Good."

Misty looked at them incredulously, "How are you so calm about this Shinji? You did this didn't you Wolfie."

"But she's happy," Wolfie pointed out.

"It's true," Shinji said.

"Because," they both said, "Asuka: she's a slut."

Bis Bald

BW


End file.
